At TrumpCare, we know you have questions and we are here to answer them. We'll use the term "answer" loosely since nobody has read the bill or knows how it works. That why we crafted TrumpCare in secret meetings and rushed the vote before you could bitch about it on Twitter and Facebook - or interrupt Republican town halls. By the way, don't laugh at us in public or we'll throw you in jail.


Where do I buy TrumpCare?

You can try and buy TrumpCare directly on this site. It is as much help as you are going to get since we will be dismantling the health insurance marketplace websites and shutting down the call centers. It's called freedom, the freedom to pay more for less.


Will I save money with TrumpCare?

You bet your ass, you will. We have teamed up with insurance companies so they funnel money into our PACs and campaigns and we let them jack up prices all they want. And that's the beauty of it, you will save 100% since you won"t be able to afford insurance.


What about government subsidies?

We got your government subsidies right here (grabs crotch). They are called tax cuts and everyone knows tax cuts will fix anything. We'll give you tax cuts at the end of each year totaling $1000 to $4000 depending on your age to help pay for those $2000 a month ($24000 a year) premiums. Speaking of tax cuts, we are destroying ObamaCare to give huge tax cuts to the wealthy who don't need it. If you get angry about this, just remember that freedom isn't cheap.

 

What if I have pre-existing conditions?

Hahahaha.


No, really...what about pre-existing conditions?

For the 30% of all people who have pre-existing conditions....hahahahaha. Seriously, Red States will opt out of the requirement to cover pre-existing conditions and we threw a paltry sum of money at them to set up an already failed experiment call high-risk pools. Way underfinanced, states won't have enough money to cover everyone in high-risk pools so they will cap you at maybe $75K a year, probably less. Even then they will run out of money before it covers everyone.


But my pre-existing condition expenses add up to $90k for kidney dialysis?

Sorry, we ran out of cash. Thanks, Obama. And that $262k kidney transplant or $100k to $200k coronary bypass surgery....hahahaha. Enjoy your freedom instead.